and with all going on in my life,
I feel tired, used up.
Went to retirement last week,
and started to look back.
I have hardly accomplished anything.
Studies, lectured...loved it, love it.
But it was not a steady job. Always based on their needs.
Got educated as a journalist and editor,
did it for over 10 years.
Ran a paper, knew I was a good journalist.
But when Max came back it was over.
It felt I was adjusting all the way, none adjusted to me.
I still feel, in a way, the little girl of 4,
with the grocery list, tall bag and leaking wallet.
The first time standing in front of a dark looking shop.
Returning home, just to be told to go back.
So I learned to go in the dark...
for others...
not for me.
And I'm still there.
Taking care of a man who once was a husband,
but more than 25 years now is nothing more
than someone with care needs.
I'm just a useful thing who does the household.
I kicked him out of my room and bed a long time ago.
Moving is not an option. No money, housing shortage.
I don't want to stay in this country anyway.
It feels like I'm still in that dark shop.
62 years wasted...
and there is so much to give and so much to do.
Would be nice to go to a light shop
with someone who cares.
-=-
I never give in to depression,
but it feels I'm fighting more,
and I'm tired...
Maybe it's time I do some shopping for myself...
-=-
Added: a new poem >>>here<<<